The dare asked me to become my husband's biggest fan. And whoa, to burn the negative list I wrote yesterday.
How hard was it to destroy the list?
I was so glad to do that! I hated having that list around. A super cool thing that happened was when I was burning the list in my sink, I felt relieved. It was a ceremony of my heart, a ritual cleansing, a way to let go, to let those negative things quite literally go up in smoke.
What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate?
SOmething he is trying to be successful in right now is losing weight. He is going to the gym and watching his diet. I want him to be successful for himself.
How can you encourage them towards future successes?
I can be more affirming in his quest to lose weight.
I have definitely noticed a change in our relationship this week. For whatever reason, I feel on more solid footing. I think it is because I have truly switched my way of thinking to our marriage being between me and God and my husband and not just between me and my husband. God had always been there, but I have allowed by "humaness" to take over the forefront of my life like the roar of a fierce lion, and this week, I have let God become the fierce one at the forefront.
My "humaness" raises its ugly head now and again, but now it is my God that sends it packing like a lamb.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Day 7 - Love believes the best
Today's dare required me to make two lists. The first list was a list of positive things about my husband and the second, of course, was a list of negative things. Then I was supposed to some time in the day, choose something from the positive attribute list to thank my husband for. Whew! Tough day!
Which list was easier to make?
At this time in my life, the negative list was easier, but it was strangely freeing to speak the words, to give them substance, to acknowledge them outloud so to speak. Harboring that list was not a good thing for me.
What did this reveal about your thoughts?
I can honestly say it was quite cathartic to write down, and thereby acknowledge all of the things that frustrate me about my husband and conversly, it was a revelation to write down the positive things. I didn't have to seek them out which felt good, but it taught me how much I focus on the negative. How I allow the negative to seep into my day-to-day thoughts and how I wanted instead to learn to appreciate his postive attributes because he had many but sadly, we get bogged down in the negative. We can actually take up residence in the "depreciation room" and folks, it ain't pretty.
What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?
I thanked my husband for helping out with carpool. I know he hates it and I know he has to stay an hour late for work to do it so I wanted to express my appreciation for this especially.
Which list was easier to make?
At this time in my life, the negative list was easier, but it was strangely freeing to speak the words, to give them substance, to acknowledge them outloud so to speak. Harboring that list was not a good thing for me.
What did this reveal about your thoughts?
I can honestly say it was quite cathartic to write down, and thereby acknowledge all of the things that frustrate me about my husband and conversly, it was a revelation to write down the positive things. I didn't have to seek them out which felt good, but it taught me how much I focus on the negative. How I allow the negative to seep into my day-to-day thoughts and how I wanted instead to learn to appreciate his postive attributes because he had many but sadly, we get bogged down in the negative. We can actually take up residence in the "depreciation room" and folks, it ain't pretty.
What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?
I thanked my husband for helping out with carpool. I know he hates it and I know he has to stay an hour late for work to do it so I wanted to express my appreciation for this especially.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 6 - Love is not irritable
My dare today is to react to tough circumstances in my marriage in loving ways rather than irritation. I am to make a list of areas where I need to add margin to my schedule and to list any wrong motivations that I need to release from my life.
The book listed stress and selfishness as reasons to react irritably and listed lust, bitterness, greed and pride as wrong motivations.
The list of areas where a margin is needed refers to how to manage my stress so as not to be irritable. So, with that in mind, I would say, when my husband is crabby, stressed, angry, or ugly-acting, I get irritated and upset. I pray every day to not let it bother me but when he is upset, it's like he's a lemon and once squeezed, all the sourness comes out, and we all feel it. It's a big tidal wave of negative emotion and So, while I know I can't keep him from being stressed or angry, although sadly, I do still try, I know that I need to not react to it, so working on that would make the top of my list. And I get irritated when my children don't "hear me" - I've actually said to them, "Do I exist?" because after saying something many times with no reaction, it feels like I'm invisible, and that does not feel good. Ok, so let's make an actual list of areas where a buffer is needed.
The list of wrong motivations is more difficult to discern. We've already established during days 1 - 4 that I am pretty prideful :) But I really don't think I suffer from any of the other bad motivations that cause us to be irritable.
I am content with very little so I don't think a lot about wanting more as in money, or things (lust/greed) - yes, I am an admitted keeper but I don't want more things as in the best tv, or car or house, and therefore, don't feel the loss of not having them. If I had to really think about what is most important to me, or what I do want in this world, I would have to say the thing I want THE most in my life is accord. Of course, I want love and honesty and respect, and I have that, but what I am missing and what I seek is accord. I want accord.
The book listed stress and selfishness as reasons to react irritably and listed lust, bitterness, greed and pride as wrong motivations.
The list of areas where a margin is needed refers to how to manage my stress so as not to be irritable. So, with that in mind, I would say, when my husband is crabby, stressed, angry, or ugly-acting, I get irritated and upset. I pray every day to not let it bother me but when he is upset, it's like he's a lemon and once squeezed, all the sourness comes out, and we all feel it. It's a big tidal wave of negative emotion and So, while I know I can't keep him from being stressed or angry, although sadly, I do still try, I know that I need to not react to it, so working on that would make the top of my list. And I get irritated when my children don't "hear me" - I've actually said to them, "Do I exist?" because after saying something many times with no reaction, it feels like I'm invisible, and that does not feel good. Ok, so let's make an actual list of areas where a buffer is needed.
- not reacting negatively to my husband's stress
- not reacting negatively to my children's stress
- making time to exercise
- making time to write
- making sure I am heard
- being more organized in my daily life so that it runs more smoothly (also works with Day 4 dare!)
- manage finances
- put on my oxygen mask first before helping others
The list of wrong motivations is more difficult to discern. We've already established during days 1 - 4 that I am pretty prideful :) But I really don't think I suffer from any of the other bad motivations that cause us to be irritable.
I am content with very little so I don't think a lot about wanting more as in money, or things (lust/greed) - yes, I am an admitted keeper but I don't want more things as in the best tv, or car or house, and therefore, don't feel the loss of not having them. If I had to really think about what is most important to me, or what I do want in this world, I would have to say the thing I want THE most in my life is accord. Of course, I want love and honesty and respect, and I have that, but what I am missing and what I seek is accord. I want accord.
ac·cord /əˈkɔrd/ Show Spelled[uh-kawrd]
–verb (used without object)
1.to be in agreement or harmony; agree.
–verb (used with object)
2.to make agree or correspond; adapt.
3.to grant; bestow: to accord due praise.
4.Archaic. to settle; reconcile.
–noun
5.proper relationship or proportion; harmony.
6.a harmonious union of sounds, colors, etc.
7.consent or concurrence of opinions or wills; agreement.
8.an international agreement; settlement of questions outstanding among nations.
—Idiom
9.of one's own accord, without being asked or told; voluntarily: We did the extra work of our own accord.
Discord is what makes me irritable. Discord is my bane. Discord is my bad motivation.
dis·cord /n. ˈdɪskɔrd; v. dɪsˈkɔrd/ Show Spelled[n. dis-kawrd; v. dis-kawrd]
–noun
1.lack of concord or harmony between persons or things: marital discord.
2.disagreement; difference of opinion.
3.strife; dispute; war.
4.Music. an inharmonious combination of musical tones sounded together.
5.any confused or harsh noise; dissonance.
–verb (used without object)
6.to disagree; be at variance.
I pray each day for accord and on the rare occasion when that happens, it is like getting butterfly kisses from angels and I am so, so thankful.
I embrace accord and release discord. Wander freely, discord, I release you.
–noun
1.lack of concord or harmony between persons or things: marital discord.
2.disagreement; difference of opinion.
3.strife; dispute; war.
4.Music. an inharmonious combination of musical tones sounded together.
5.any confused or harsh noise; dissonance.
–verb (used without object)
6.to disagree; be at variance.
I pray each day for accord and on the rare occasion when that happens, it is like getting butterfly kisses from angels and I am so, so thankful.
I embrace accord and release discord. Wander freely, discord, I release you.
Day 5 - Love is not rude
Ok, so now we're getting somewhere because yesterday was the most challenging day by far. As a matter of fact, it was challenging enough to prevent me from writing about it until today.
Today's dare was to ask my huband to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. I had to just listen and not be defensive.
What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention?
My husband was definitely uncomfortable with this dare. I jokingly asked him what did he have to be uncomfortable about, I was the one getting picked on? LOL! Yeah, well, that was gallows humor, so to speak.
I told him I could come up with things on my own that I know irritate him about me but I wanted him to tell me. Obviously, he was suspicious. He asked, "where is this coming from?" I told him I just wanted to know so I could work on them.
He told me putting things on the wrong shelves in the fridge because he hated it when he opened the door and things fell out or when he couldn't find something because it wasn't on the right (as in size) shelf. Ok.
Second thing related to me having so much stuff and not having it organized. You know, a place for everything and everything in its place.
And third, he got frustrated when as an "educated woman" as he put it, I did things that added more stress to my life like NOT putting my keys in the same place everyday thereby, causing me to lose them frequently.
How did you handle hearing it?
I think I handled it all rather well. I admit, it was very, very humbling to just ask the question. It is essentially saying, tell me what's wrong with me. And seriously, don't we all already know our faults, our foibles, our idiosyncrasies (there's a reason that word ends in crasy!) but to have to ask someone to tell you what to fix. I was surprised at his choices though and that seemed like a good thing. I mean yeah, we've struggled with my stuff for years - I am a keeper. I work on it but it's an ongoing struggle, but the fridge thing? Who knew? I mean, sure, he's grumbled and fussed when looking for things or if something spills but to put it on the list of three was surprising. And that my stress of losing my keys would irritate him so much? Very interesting. I imagine he's thinking, well, if you'd put the keys on the hook every day, they wouldn't get lost! duh!
What do you plan to do to improve these areas?
Well, first thing is I'm going to go clean out the fridge and try really hard to organize it by size and then really try to keep it that way. I'm cool with trying to take one thing off his crazy plate.
I want to make a concerted effort to be more organized and get rid of stuff. This is by far the biggest hurdle and as I said, not unknown to me by any means.
I am remembering to turn my headlights off every time because I've let the battery run down because of it so I can learn to hang up my keys. These seems like little silly things to worry about but I will do it and I'm sure be happy I did.
Again, this dare was the most difficult thus far and it makes me a little freaked over what is to come because let's face it, I was feeling overconfident through days 1 - 4 and now am enjoying a big piece of humble pie. I know this is necessary and I know it's good for me but it is not a tasty dish!
Today's dare was to ask my huband to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. I had to just listen and not be defensive.
What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention?
My husband was definitely uncomfortable with this dare. I jokingly asked him what did he have to be uncomfortable about, I was the one getting picked on? LOL! Yeah, well, that was gallows humor, so to speak.
I told him I could come up with things on my own that I know irritate him about me but I wanted him to tell me. Obviously, he was suspicious. He asked, "where is this coming from?" I told him I just wanted to know so I could work on them.
He told me putting things on the wrong shelves in the fridge because he hated it when he opened the door and things fell out or when he couldn't find something because it wasn't on the right (as in size) shelf. Ok.
Second thing related to me having so much stuff and not having it organized. You know, a place for everything and everything in its place.
And third, he got frustrated when as an "educated woman" as he put it, I did things that added more stress to my life like NOT putting my keys in the same place everyday thereby, causing me to lose them frequently.
How did you handle hearing it?
I think I handled it all rather well. I admit, it was very, very humbling to just ask the question. It is essentially saying, tell me what's wrong with me. And seriously, don't we all already know our faults, our foibles, our idiosyncrasies (there's a reason that word ends in crasy!) but to have to ask someone to tell you what to fix. I was surprised at his choices though and that seemed like a good thing. I mean yeah, we've struggled with my stuff for years - I am a keeper. I work on it but it's an ongoing struggle, but the fridge thing? Who knew? I mean, sure, he's grumbled and fussed when looking for things or if something spills but to put it on the list of three was surprising. And that my stress of losing my keys would irritate him so much? Very interesting. I imagine he's thinking, well, if you'd put the keys on the hook every day, they wouldn't get lost! duh!
What do you plan to do to improve these areas?
Well, first thing is I'm going to go clean out the fridge and try really hard to organize it by size and then really try to keep it that way. I'm cool with trying to take one thing off his crazy plate.
I want to make a concerted effort to be more organized and get rid of stuff. This is by far the biggest hurdle and as I said, not unknown to me by any means.
I am remembering to turn my headlights off every time because I've let the battery run down because of it so I can learn to hang up my keys. These seems like little silly things to worry about but I will do it and I'm sure be happy I did.
Again, this dare was the most difficult thus far and it makes me a little freaked over what is to come because let's face it, I was feeling overconfident through days 1 - 4 and now am enjoying a big piece of humble pie. I know this is necessary and I know it's good for me but it is not a tasty dish!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 4 - Love is thoughtful
I was dared to call my husband sometime during the day for no other reason than to check in, see how he is doing and to ask if there was anything I could do for him.
I do call my husband most days and just check in to see how he is doing. I called a few times today and got voicemail. I left two messages before he called me back and when he did, he told me his day was not going well. I told him I was sorry and asked if I could do anything. He did tell me something I could do when I got home. I was delighted there was something and did it as soon as possible. I texted him the information he needed and he replied ty. Again, my ego would've enjoyed a more eloquent response but our "waffle" men are direct because every concern has a section and place, and I know his thanks was sincere. Silly to mess it up being "spaghetti" woman with all things mushed together, connected and attached with feelings!
What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today?
I didn't really learn anything new. I was reminded however, of how much I enjoy doing things for him and that I should strive each day to make that call.
How could this become a more natural, routine and generally helpful part of your lifestyle?
By Day 4, I'm getting into a routine - be positive, kind, thoughtful in every deed when interacting with my husband, and I like how that feels. I haven't seen much in the way of reaction from my husband and so I remind myself that this dare was for me to learn and grow and so it's a daily struggle to put myself aside and let these lessons settle and sit with me for a spell.
I do call my husband most days and just check in to see how he is doing. I called a few times today and got voicemail. I left two messages before he called me back and when he did, he told me his day was not going well. I told him I was sorry and asked if I could do anything. He did tell me something I could do when I got home. I was delighted there was something and did it as soon as possible. I texted him the information he needed and he replied ty. Again, my ego would've enjoyed a more eloquent response but our "waffle" men are direct because every concern has a section and place, and I know his thanks was sincere. Silly to mess it up being "spaghetti" woman with all things mushed together, connected and attached with feelings!
What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today?
I didn't really learn anything new. I was reminded however, of how much I enjoy doing things for him and that I should strive each day to make that call.
How could this become a more natural, routine and generally helpful part of your lifestyle?
By Day 4, I'm getting into a routine - be positive, kind, thoughtful in every deed when interacting with my husband, and I like how that feels. I haven't seen much in the way of reaction from my husband and so I remind myself that this dare was for me to learn and grow and so it's a daily struggle to put myself aside and let these lessons settle and sit with me for a spell.
Day 3 - Love is not selfish
Along with refraining from negative comments, I was dared to buy my husband something that said, "I was thinking of you today."
Again, I'm going to sound like a broken record (blah, blah, blah) but I do this often. I buy my husband his favorite candy or magazine or whatever on any given day so again, *sigh* this dare did not seem very challenging. I did find myself thinking of it throughout the day though. I kept saying it over and over in my mind, "Buy him something that says I'm thinking about him." I thought of a nice bottle of sipping something that he enjoys when sitting around the fire, but didn't really know what kind he likes. I thought about English Toffee from the local candy maker, but know he's trying to lose weight this year. I thought of a new golf shirt, but goodness knows, he has a ton of those. I thought about buying him something that would help him stay organized as a coach considering this was his first summer coaching a competitive team, but I couldn't wrap my brain around what other than a secretary to keep his emails and paperwork straight but I already AM his secretary so I kept mulling it over and over in my head like worry beads in my pocket and I finally made a decision.
What did you choose to give your spouse?
I chose to buy him two books. One about coaching boys 7 - 15 years and another that was inspirational about the influence dads have on boys through sports.
What happened when you gave it?
I left the books in the bag up on the shelf where my husband keeps his things - keys, wallet, mail, etc., and wrote a note that I placed on top of the bag. The note said, "For Inspiration!" My husband came home from work and found the bag of books. He asked me what they were for and I said (duh)"for inspiration" and he said thank you and that was it.
I felt good choosing something that I know he will enjoy. The process felt good - it forced me to really think about my husabnd, to sort through what's going on in his life these days...what stresses he has, what joys and connecting to your partner's day-to-day concerns is enlightening and growing. Obviously, my ego would've loved a "WOW" reaction but I've become adept at being grateful for a sincere thank you knowing it is what he has, and knowing that is good for my heart.
Again, I'm going to sound like a broken record (blah, blah, blah) but I do this often. I buy my husband his favorite candy or magazine or whatever on any given day so again, *sigh* this dare did not seem very challenging. I did find myself thinking of it throughout the day though. I kept saying it over and over in my mind, "Buy him something that says I'm thinking about him." I thought of a nice bottle of sipping something that he enjoys when sitting around the fire, but didn't really know what kind he likes. I thought about English Toffee from the local candy maker, but know he's trying to lose weight this year. I thought of a new golf shirt, but goodness knows, he has a ton of those. I thought about buying him something that would help him stay organized as a coach considering this was his first summer coaching a competitive team, but I couldn't wrap my brain around what other than a secretary to keep his emails and paperwork straight but I already AM his secretary so I kept mulling it over and over in my head like worry beads in my pocket and I finally made a decision.
What did you choose to give your spouse?
I chose to buy him two books. One about coaching boys 7 - 15 years and another that was inspirational about the influence dads have on boys through sports.
What happened when you gave it?
I left the books in the bag up on the shelf where my husband keeps his things - keys, wallet, mail, etc., and wrote a note that I placed on top of the bag. The note said, "For Inspiration!" My husband came home from work and found the bag of books. He asked me what they were for and I said (duh)"for inspiration" and he said thank you and that was it.
I felt good choosing something that I know he will enjoy. The process felt good - it forced me to really think about my husabnd, to sort through what's going on in his life these days...what stresses he has, what joys and connecting to your partner's day-to-day concerns is enlightening and growing. Obviously, my ego would've loved a "WOW" reaction but I've become adept at being grateful for a sincere thank you knowing it is what he has, and knowing that is good for my heart.
Day 2 - Love is kind
In addition to saying nothing negative to my husband, I was supposed to do one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
What discoveries about love did you make today?
It felt good to be genuinely asking if I could take something off his plate, but I know it would have felt better to have done something nice for him rather than just offer.
What specifically did you do in this dare?
My gesture of kindness was to offer to take our son to his basketball games because my husband was saying how great it would be to stay inside on this cold and wintery day. He was cozy and seemed tired and so I offered. He declined.
How did you show kindness?
Ok, so, again, I am feeling a little thwarted. I perceive myself as a kind person, and in fact, make a conserted effort to be thoughtful and kind in all of my relationships. This might be misconstrued as arrogance, and it might be, but so far, I'm not swaying too far out of my comfort zone.
So, we'll have to see what Day 3 brings.
What discoveries about love did you make today?
It felt good to be genuinely asking if I could take something off his plate, but I know it would have felt better to have done something nice for him rather than just offer.
What specifically did you do in this dare?
My gesture of kindness was to offer to take our son to his basketball games because my husband was saying how great it would be to stay inside on this cold and wintery day. He was cozy and seemed tired and so I offered. He declined.
How did you show kindness?
Ok, so, again, I am feeling a little thwarted. I perceive myself as a kind person, and in fact, make a conserted effort to be thoughtful and kind in all of my relationships. This might be misconstrued as arrogance, and it might be, but so far, I'm not swaying too far out of my comfort zone.
So, we'll have to see what Day 3 brings.
Day 1 - Love is patient
Today's dare required me to demonstrate patience and not say anything negative to my husband today.
Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?
Not really, it was overall a good day.
Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?
Hmmm...this was not a very tough challenge for me because I perceive myself as a patient and positive person, but I can tell you it was refreshing and difficult to make sure that everything - all words - that came out of my mouth were positive and uplifting. Something I found exciting was that this love dare challenge is bleeding over into my relationship with my children as well. It's just too hard to switch gears mid-thought and well, let's face it, it's really important to stay positive and patient with your kids, so that's been a pretty great development.
Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?
Not really, it was overall a good day.
Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?
Hmmm...this was not a very tough challenge for me because I perceive myself as a patient and positive person, but I can tell you it was refreshing and difficult to make sure that everything - all words - that came out of my mouth were positive and uplifting. Something I found exciting was that this love dare challenge is bleeding over into my relationship with my children as well. It's just too hard to switch gears mid-thought and well, let's face it, it's really important to stay positive and patient with your kids, so that's been a pretty great development.
Prelude - The Love Dare starts four days late
After almost 20 years of marriage, and 45 years as a Catholic, I have decided to give up myself (in a sense) for Lent this year, and put The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough to the test.
The Love Dare is a book which asks the reader to embark on a 40 day journey of dares in the hopes of understanding and practicing unconditional love.
I first heard about The Love Dare while watching the movie "Fireproof" - I admit I was intrigued but mostly because I thought my husband should do it for me! What an ugly rut to fall into - always looking to the other person to do something, to change something, so instead of looking to myself to make a difference, I, in my entitlement, put the thought away for another day.
As the Lenten season approached, I assumed I would give up the same things I always give up, wine, sweets, Facebook maybe - but somehow, this year, those sacrifices didn't feel nearly as well, sacraficial as I felt they should, given these were the days of giving penance for the forty Jesus spent in the desert (Mat 4:1-11) so as I was trolling the Sam's Club book aisle, I came upon The Love Dare book, and bought it completely on a whim. It was definitely a half-hearted, impulse purchase so you can imagine my amazement when I discovered *gasp* The Love Dare is actually a 40-day challenge!! It was that "godincident" that led me to my decision to "deny myself" or "give up myself" for Lent in order to understand and practice unconditional love in my marriage. So, in my way of thinking, I am making my marriage about God and me during this Lenten season, so that I might dare to love.
I purchased the book the Friday after Lent started on Ash Wednesday, so my official start date of The Love Dare challenge is Saturday, February 20, 2010. After each day's dare, I'm supposed to journal in the book, however, as writer's do, I decided instead to blog. So, here's to my 40-day Lenten Love Dare - I can't wait for the journey to begin.
The Love Dare is a book which asks the reader to embark on a 40 day journey of dares in the hopes of understanding and practicing unconditional love.
I first heard about The Love Dare while watching the movie "Fireproof" - I admit I was intrigued but mostly because I thought my husband should do it for me! What an ugly rut to fall into - always looking to the other person to do something, to change something, so instead of looking to myself to make a difference, I, in my entitlement, put the thought away for another day.
As the Lenten season approached, I assumed I would give up the same things I always give up, wine, sweets, Facebook maybe - but somehow, this year, those sacrifices didn't feel nearly as well, sacraficial as I felt they should, given these were the days of giving penance for the forty Jesus spent in the desert (Mat 4:1-11) so as I was trolling the Sam's Club book aisle, I came upon The Love Dare book, and bought it completely on a whim. It was definitely a half-hearted, impulse purchase so you can imagine my amazement when I discovered *gasp* The Love Dare is actually a 40-day challenge!! It was that "godincident" that led me to my decision to "deny myself" or "give up myself" for Lent in order to understand and practice unconditional love in my marriage. So, in my way of thinking, I am making my marriage about God and me during this Lenten season, so that I might dare to love.
I purchased the book the Friday after Lent started on Ash Wednesday, so my official start date of The Love Dare challenge is Saturday, February 20, 2010. After each day's dare, I'm supposed to journal in the book, however, as writer's do, I decided instead to blog. So, here's to my 40-day Lenten Love Dare - I can't wait for the journey to begin.
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