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Welcome to fallen humanity!
Oh, boy! My dare today was to talk to my husband about establishing healthy rules of engagement but if he's not ready for this, then I am supposed to write out my own personal rules to "fight" by and to resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.
Whew! Okay, so I decided not to approach my husband with this one today. He was grumpy and fussy (sounds like dwarves gone bad!) :0) when he got home today and that is it's own issue for me, so I, instead, have decided to make some decision (rules) for myself to stand by. I have control over me and I know that by doing what I can to "fight fair" will be a help to us overall because it takes two to "fight" and a fire can't start, if the match can't strike the wick.
If your spouse participated with you, what was their response?
I'm going this one alone.
What rules did you right for yourself?
- I will listen first before speaking, and I will not interrupt. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." James 1:19
- I will deal with my own issues upfront, knowing that my projection only makes matters worse. "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3
- I will speak gently and lovingly and will keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
I could not use my "rules of engagement" today but like working to not say anything negative, to accept my husband as he is, and to cherish him, I will use these rules the next time the wind picks up, the skies darken and the clouds roll in.
Today I was dared to demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between me and my husband and to tell him I am putting his preference first.
My husband and I often disagree. I have joked that we approach nothing in the same way but that at our core, we are the same because at the end of the day, we both want the same things and we both believe the same things. So, obviously, this was a serious dare for me. I didn't think the dare meant something big when we disagree on so much, so I chose to look at the day-to-day kind of circumstances that find my husband and I at odds.
What issue did you choose?
I chose today to monitor everything I said to my husband through his view. Like, instead of strongly standing up for what I think about something that he thinks differently on, I listened and said things like, "I can see that" or "That makes sense." I didn't say I was giving his ideas preference, I instead showed him that by not arguing my point. By accepting that his point of view was different but equally valuable and valid because they were his.
What did giving in cost you?
The cost was minimal compared to the gain because I was able to have a "big issue" discussion with my husband today that did not turn into a heated debate or hurt feelings or angry words. That was lovely. It was a agree to disagree sort of thing but for us, it was just lovely. I enjoyed it very much and any time I felt myself getting frustrated, I would remind myself of the dare and I dared myself to be open and quiet and rational and it was lovely.
How will this help you in the future?
I think this will be a great help in the future because I learned it really doesn't matter if we disagree or approach things differently. It really does not matter because what matters most, are the things we agree on. Our faith, our beliefs, our family, our future.
My dare today was to meet a need my husband has, to do something that says "I cherish you" and I had to do it with a smile.
I found myself very prideful during this dare because when I read it, I found myself thinking, "seriously? What need don't I meet?" His clothes are clean, his bills are paid, he's fed. Obviously, there are intimate needs but given the public nature of blogging, I'll stay with that. Point is, I was all up in my ego on this one. I kept thinking "what about my needs?" - and that, all by itself, shows how we fall so deeply into the pit of "self" - ugh! How to climb out of the "what have you done for me latelys!"
So I worked on "what else can I do for him?" - I was still feeling a grudge about it, and somewhat stubborn but that's one of the blessings I've found by doing this dare now for almost 2 weeks, I ponder. I ponder a lot. I revisit and mull and ponder, and as I am doing that, I have found God whispers to me. He reminds me what I am doing and why. My fervent prayer during this Lenten season has been for God to move me out of the way...out of my own way...and to fill me up with Him and His love so that I can share that with my husband and family, and of course, He is so faithful because he does just that.
What did you choose to do that shows you cherish your mate?
I didn't choose any new need to meet today. I just instead chose to meet the needs I already meet with a smile. Not just any smile but with a true heart for giving and a genuine smile.
What did you learn from this experience?
I learned that meeting my husband's needs with a smile shows him that I love him, and that keeping score makes me a loser.
The something "out of the ordinary" I came up with was to ask my husband to go for a walk with me. I chose this because I know it's something we use to do when the kids were little and don't anymore, plus we did it every day while we were at the beach this Christmas and it was wonderful. He declined, because he was too tired. At least he thought it sounded great and said he'd love to any other time.
Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your committment?
My love in the past has been based on both - I love or conversely, am annoyed by, my husbands' behavior and attributes but sometimes it is committment that has seen us through. I have no illusions that sometimes in a marriage, the committment, the promise you made is all there is. I have seen that, I have experienced that on both sides. I use to think it meant the other person was just "going through the motions" if they stayed in a marriage just because they promised to, but with age, and experience, comes wisdom (or one can hope so anyway) and I have learned that sometimes that committment is all there is to sustain a marriage. The mere fact that you promised you would, and that in and of itself, shows promise, because if you can see your way through that time, you have hope and hope and love together can do great things.
How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?
This is something I struggle with. It's taken me a very long time and many, many tears to understand the concept that love is free. That loving someone doesn't mean they have to love you back or that if they do, that they will love you or show their love the way you want them to. Loving someone means you have to let them love you the way that they can. It means letting go of all of the "ideals" you've had of love being reciprocal, mutual, or equal. Can it be those things? Absolutely. But is it always those things? No.
I can continue to show my husband love when he is being unloveable, when he shows his love in ways that I know are his way and not mine. Hmmm...easier said than done, that's for sure but it is definitely something to seek, a way of being to aspire to, a way to love that is free.
In a way, this has been my favorite message, not necessarily my favorite dare, but I really loved the message.
Today's dare asked me to do something out of the ordinary for my husband - something that proves to me and him that my love is based on choice and nothing else. It suggested things like washing the car, cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, and that I should demonstrate love to him out of the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Whew.
Ok, so I haven't come up with what to do yet so I'm guessing today's blog with be a two-parter, but what I did want to digest and talk about was the chapter itself. It talked about the different kinds of love, agape (unconditional love), phileo (friendship) and eros (sexual love), and how a marriage cannot be based on the latter two.
I have come to that realization in the 20 years I've been married because great sex (eros) or attributes or circumstances are vital to a marriage but without unconditional love, if the sex wanes or the circumstances change, there's nothing to hold you together.
I don't know that I've actually achieved unconditional love but I do strive for it. I think what struck me the most was the reference to God's unconditional love for us and how if we had to "earn" or "deserve" God's love, we would fail and that really opened up my heart. It made me see that my husband might not "deserve" my love - not because he's a monster or anything ridiculous like that but when he's making me crazy or irritates me, and I think, "Yeah, right!" but no, I have to think, unconditionally is the "better or worse" "sickness or health" parts. The promises part.
I'm kinda bummed about today's dare. I feel like I'm going backwards because today's dare was to think of a specific way I wanted to greet my husband and then to do it with a smile and enthusiasm. Then I was supposed to change my greeting to reflect my love for him.
When and where did you choose to do your special greeting?
I made a concerted effort to smile and enthusiastically greet my husband every time I saw him. Both times he came home, he was a little grumpy from outside things like traffic but I maintained my happy face and asked how he was, did he need anything, could I help? This is pretty usual for me. I try to be positive even when he's feeling grumpy - not always the easiest choice but always the one I go for.
How will you change your greeting from this point on?
I'd like to go back to kissing my husband hello and good-bye like we use to. I miss that. I do make the effort but I'm not consistent and I think he thinks its silly. I know he has teased me in the past because my grandmother always insisted on being kissed hello and good-bye and she was a litle crazy. But I think that's a lovely way to make a connection each day and a special greeting reserved just for each other can't be a bad thing even he might think it's a little crazy. :)
The dare asked me to become my husband's biggest fan. And whoa, to burn the negative list I wrote yesterday.
How hard was it to destroy the list?
I was so glad to do that! I hated having that list around. A super cool thing that happened was when I was burning the list in my sink, I felt relieved. It was a ceremony of my heart, a ritual cleansing, a way to let go, to let those negative things quite literally go up in smoke.
What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate?
SOmething he is trying to be successful in right now is losing weight. He is going to the gym and watching his diet. I want him to be successful for himself.
How can you encourage them towards future successes?
I can be more affirming in his quest to lose weight.
I have definitely noticed a change in our relationship this week. For whatever reason, I feel on more solid footing. I think it is because I have truly switched my way of thinking to our marriage being between me and God and my husband and not just between me and my husband. God had always been there, but I have allowed by "humaness" to take over the forefront of my life like the roar of a fierce lion, and this week, I have let God become the fierce one at the forefront.
My "humaness" raises its ugly head now and again, but now it is my God that sends it packing like a lamb.
